I have been playing small

I recently watched The List on Netflix. While a little cheesy at times, the message resonated deeply with me: I’ve been playing small. 

In the film, a mother dying of cancer leaves her daughter “The List”—a list the daughter wrote when she was 13, filled with dreams and things she wanted to do in life. Each time the daughter checks something off the list, she receives a DVD message from her mom, speaking to her from the past, encouraging her, cheering her on, and reminding her to keep going. 

One line from her mom hit me straight in the heart: "As a kid, you were so alive and sure of yourself. Somewhere along the line, things changed. I want you to get back to that place." 

I thought about all the little lists I’ve created over the years—bucket lists, to-do lists, vision boards, goals. All with the intention of improving my life. But life gets in the way, and somehow I find myself back at square one, stagnant. Again. 

I don’t fully know what’s stopping me. Maybe it’s fear. Maybe it’s those deep-rooted negative beliefs. Maybe it's the endless overthinking. This past year, though, I’ve felt something stir in me—a real, desperate longing for change. 

Since getting sober, parts of my life have definitely improved: I eat better, sleep more, move my body, and actually follow through with healthy habits. But in some ways, life has felt heavier. Without the highs from wild nights out or the spontaneity of music festivals and late-night adventures, things feel… monotonous. Adulting has taken over—buying a reliable car, getting a “real” job, paying off loans, saving for retirement, planning the next career move. 

Sometimes I miss feeling alive. Partying used to give me that, even if just temporarily. 

And then I realized—I haven’t even left North America since 2019. That blows my mind. Back then, travel was my everything. It’s why I wanted to work in international social work. But lately, it just hasn’t felt like a priority. Anxiety has been a huge barrier—fear of long flights, language barriers, getting lost... the list goes on. 

Also, grad school from 2021 to 2024 didn’t exactly leave a lot of time for wanderlust. 

But you know what’s even scarier than doing those things? Not doing them. 

The List reminded me of who I am—and who I want to be. I’ve been playing it safe. I just moved to a new city, and I’ve stayed very much in my comfort zone. I haven’t made a single friend here. I’m still in a job I don’t love. I’ve let fear make my decisions for me. 

But I give myself grace. I didn’t realize I was doing this. 

So I’m starting now. And I encourage you to make your own List. Not just goals or dreams, but reminders of who you really are. Of the life you want to live. 

Don’t let fear be the thing that holds you back. 

One quote from the movie really stuck with me—when the mom’s husband left her, she started her own business. She said: “I was scared shitless, but I had to jump. It’s scary to go for it, but it can also be life-changing.” 

Amen to that.